Before You Say I Do

Week One

The Five Pillars of Every Relationship

They run in order, and they lean on each other. It begins with communication.

Forward

• If you stop talking, you will not trust each other.
• If you do not trust each other, you will not respect each other.
• If you do not respect each other, you will not resolve conflicts.
• If you do not resolve conflicts, you will not stay committed.

And backward, which is the part people miss

• If you are not committed, you will never solve a conflict. You will run.
• If you are not solving conflicts, somebody is running or shoving it under the rug — that is a respect problem.
• If respect is gone, trust goes, because you already know how they will behave when the next conflict comes.
• And when you do not trust somebody, you stop talking to them.

Watch

On Marriage

Two teachings from Mary.

Week Two

What Conflict Is Actually Testing

Conflict works like friction. Two things rub together and you get heat, noise, and wear. In a relationship the friction comes from differences in opinion, belief, value and expectation. Left unaddressed, it turns into heat. Addressed well, it turns into growth.

• Conflict tests your ability to communicate.
• Conflict reflects how much you trust the other person.
• The size of the conflict shows your self-respect and your respect for them.
• Conflict exposes whether you have a resolution strategy or just a habit.
• Conflict challenges your belief system and your commitment.

Read These Twice

The Red-Flag Quotes

These sound romantic. They are not.

• “We never fight, we always agree.”
• “They are my soulmate, I trust them in everything.”
• “He is my everything, I want what he wants.”
• “I knew when I met them they were the one.”
• “I cannot be mad at them, they complete me.”

Every one of them can point at unhealthy dependence and a loss of individual identity inside the relationship.

Do This Together

Build Your Conflict Plan Before You Need It

Write the answers down. Both of you. Separately first, then compare.

Week Three

Religious Loyalty vs. Relationship Royalty

Religious loyalty is allegiance to rules, roles and traditions that put obligation ahead of connection. It is usually well-meant. It still costs you the freedom and mutual respect the marriage was designed for.

Relationship royalty treats both of you as co-heirs. Equal in value and purpose, each supporting the other’s calling.

How it lands differently

On her: language like “the weaker partner” can turn into inadequacy. A wife joked about as a ball and chain starts to believe she is a burden, and stops sharing.

On him: responsibility gets read as absolute authority. He takes on the dictator role, emphasises control over collaboration, and loses the closeness the marriage was for.

Five moves

1. Name where rules replaced relationship. Find the places a rule is doing the work love should be doing.
2. Partner in mutual respect. Honour what each of you is actually good at.
3. Ground the conversation in the Word, not in what you were told growing up.
4. Build routines for growth. Pray together. Set a weekly time.
5. Address the old misconceptions with grace. Redefine the expectation together instead of relitigating who taught it to you.

Watch

Grace

Because most of this only works if there is room to get it wrong.

Watch

Boundaries

Where you end and the other person begins — and why carrying their weight is not the same as loving them.